Stop the clock

Well, that's the first week of school done, now for the next 12 years...

So far so good with Batboy; we've had highs (scootering to school in his "smart like daddy" uniform) and lows (falling off his scooter at the school gate and landing face down in front of all the other kids - too humiliating too soon).

We had another wobble when he said "what we doing tomorrow?" after day one, to which he got a pretty blunt "er, more school". At what point do you explain to a four-year-old he's actually been sucked head first into the ever-whirring cogs of the school machine, not to be churned out till 2022? Maybe next week.

It's all change for Diva too as she's started nursery, God help them. I feel a slight pang of guilt about how little they are paid to deal with little Miss Madam and her wild ways.

Her current heart-stopping trick is stealing eggs from the fridge and legging it to the far reaches of the house (targeting rooms with the most soft furnishings). I feel like some badly trained negotiator trying to talk her into handing over the egg-shaped time bomb, which she brandishes with glee.

Kids aside, I wasn't sure how I'd handle being a school-run mum. It's now against the law to phone the kids in sick because we didn't get out of our jimmers in time and/or decided to watch a Scooby Doo special. Don't think it would make Crimewatch but Nick Jnr's off limits till tea time to keep the fuzz off our back.

There's all sorts of events you have to remember as well; 'world book days', 'wear what you like days'. The last one is crucial as there's nothing worse then turning up in uniform only to find all your peers in their carefully chosen civvies, cursed to roam the corridors all day in a cloud of shame.

So I am currently trying to work out my neglected 'icalendar', bought a bedside clock, set my mobile alarm and a series of light sensitive alarm systems to avoid being the last family at the school gates.

My back-up plan for waking the kids is Grandpa's tried and tested technique, picked up during his stint in the American marines, where you gently press on someone's bladder to get them out of bed in the morning. This is highly effective but slightly risky on the bed-wetting front.

Ah well, even if our time-keeping fails and the odd event goes awol on the calender, at least we'll rock the egg and spoon race next summer!